Monday, October 25, 2010

The Real Captive

The minute it was confirmed that the formalities were over, I took Aloka in my arms and urged mom to go quickly to the car. I pulled mom’s arm and said “let’s go let’s go now”.  She wanted to say formal goodbyes to the lawyer and others, but I didn’t have patience for all that. All morning I had patiently resisted holding Aloka, watching her from the corner of my eye as I dealt with the uncertainties of the Indian legal system in a courageous daze. Now that I had her in my arms, I couldn’t wait a second to get away.

Only inside the car did I allow myself to be overwhelmed. The smelly little peanut, dressed in a ridiculous bunny rabbit woollen cap and pee drenched pyjamas, was in my arms and was mine, mine, mine! I couldn’t stop looking at her. There was no resistance from her side, she just lay there in my ample lap, looking in my eyes and puckering her lips. My daughter, now that I have you in my arms, I will never let you go, I whispered to her.

The truth is that although her tiny body lay captive in my arms, she was not the real captive. It was I!


  1. Such an achievement Puja. It brings tears of gratefulness. god bless yo all and praise be to God to have brought this opportunity.

  2. what a lovely note Puja...wish you all a happy life together!

  3. puja i just shared it with a friend at work just now because everytime i have doubts on my mothering i come back to this and i realise how much my kids hold me captive and how much i love it. really they are not ours but its is us who belong to them


    1. Yes Tanu. When we choose to have children, we choose to be captive in their love forever. Regardless of what happens.

      They are free to fly away. But our motherhood remains a key part of our identity forever.

  4. puja, you write well but this is my fav post. it never fails to unleash a torrent of tears.. how lucky and providential that you and Aloka found each other.

  5. It is one of my first posts, written 3 years after I had adopted Aloka. The scene was (and is) as fresh in my mind as if it happened just yesterday. I am indeed super lucky. Every morning when I dress her for school, I hug her and tell her she is the best gift I ever received. She accepts the compliment gracefully, nodding and smiling and saying "I know". :)

  6. I'm reading this after having met you and Akola....Beautifully expressed ..Puja .It brings tears to my eyes .God bless you girls !