Sunday, May 13, 2012

Orchestrated Randomness

For all the seeming randomness of life, there is a certain orchestration that is visible if you pay close attention to it. It shows up as wonderful coincidences, strange twists and turns, and unbelievable irony. But this orchestration is easy to miss, visible only to those who pay close attention. I happen to be one of them, always watching out for the so called little miracles in daily life. Let me cite a few here.

All my life, I was a slave to weather. I would fall ill if it suddenly became cold, or hot, or dusty, or smoky. And the worst of all, I would be violently sick as winter turned to spring and certain pollen invaded the air. They once ran a test on me and determined that I was allergic to over 50 allergens, most of which proliferated in spring. This spring thing was like clockwork. Every April, between the 14th and 20th, I would land up in a hospital in a critical state to get treatment for life threatening status asthamaticus and would remain ill  and on heavy steroids until the monsoons arrived. No exception to this in 20 years, from the age of 13 to 34, with a few Near-Death-Experiences thrown in. So what's the little miracle in this story? Very simple. For the last 12 years, I have lived in a country that has no seasons. NO SEASONS and NO WEATHER CHANGE! And I didn't plan to move here (or even knew what the weather here would be like before I moved here).  

Another thing that has plagued me all my life was a sense of not having enough of my parents. This feeling started when I was really young and continued for a long time. I was the youngest of three kids born to a busy doctor couple. While my siblings thrived in the same circumstances, I felt neglected. I constantly felt I didn't have enough one-to-one time with my parents (actually this was one of the reasons I really wanted to adopt a girl- just so that I could transform my negative feelings of loss into loving actions towards another needy child). In 2000, I moved to Singapore, thousands of miles away from my beloved parents. But the irony is that only by moving away did I get what I had desired for years while living with them or near them- my parent's focused undivided attention. During their visits to Singapore, they were/are totally mine- I don't have to share them with my siblings or anyone else! Yippee!

Another one. A few years ago, my mother warned me that I will have a tough time letting go of Atreya and that if I don't work on it soon, I will make myself miserable when the time came. I didn't like what she was saying, but no doubt it was true. For years, he had been my only companion and a huge part of my life revolved around him. But how do you plan or prepare to let go? Coupled with this was my discomfort and guilt about certain choices I had made that would leave Atreya no option but to join the Singapore army after high school. Today, Atreya is in the dreaded (!) army, learning leadership skills that most young people never get a chance to until much later, and becoming a better human being than I ever was at his age. And as he does that, we are both letting go of each other gracefully- meeting only on weekends and learning about and dealing with our dependence on each other the easiest possible way (though it's no cake walk)

These little miracles in daily life are like masterpieces done by an unassuming master artist, who keeps them in a modest room. You can enter if you like, but he won't specifically invite you in. His beautiful masterpieces exist, even if no one sees them. But if you do see them, you come out of that room elevated, touched by beauty, comforted by knowledge, and grateful for it all. 


  1. This is a great read. Your posts are 100% readable and inspiring. I loved everything in the post but the last paragraph was the best.

  2. Dad sent me a recorded tape when I was in Ann Arbor( 1973)You were 8 year old at that time, but for me you were just a baby..Listening to the tape and all the poems recited by Anand clan children, I could hear an incessant cough in the background.. I knew it was yours.
    I have never been able to forgive myself for leaving you behind at such tender age.I also knew that your asthma was triggered by this feeling on top of any silly allergens.
    But life goes on and it is always for every ones best to move ahead.
    A mother's love is unconditional as you must have now first hand knowledge.But I know God made daughters to share the deepest emotions with their mothers for they have all come from Venus.Men are from Mars and they are beautiful individuals but their hormones are so so very different.Some men like your father tried to peep into his mother's heart and tried to give her drops of concentrated attention and time.
    I learnt from life that a boy moves away fast.I was not as good a mother as you are but still I wanted you to be prepared for the future.Atreya is a highly sensitive boy and learnt so much from you, his life and his army posting.
    Your dad has gone but he is still with me in loving you. I cannot compensate for the lost time but I know it is all there.Icannoy express it as well despite the enhanced throat chakra.