The other day, my niece asked me if I was happy in Dharamshala and if I was missing Singapore. I answered spontaneously and truthfully. I feel happy. I feel this is where I belong. After more than two years of feeling homeless (ironically in the only house I ever owned), I feel rooted. I am home.
All that running around to earn a hefty salary to maintain an expensive lifestyle- all that seems so distant and pointless. All that being someone to the world and trying to find meaning in the work I was doing seems so meaningless. I spend my time looking after the people I love. I cook. I chant. I go for walks. I take lots of (average) pictures. I write. I dance. I meet people I do not understand. I am not important to the outside world. I have nothing to prove. I don't earn anything. And surprisingly, I feel alright about that.
I miss Atreya, my dearest friend, my son, a chunk of my heart, but the guilt I was carrying around for the last few months has vanished. I can't hold on to him any more than I can hold on to time, so I have stopped berating myself for coming away from him. I am here where I need to be, he is there where he needs to be. He needs to take wings and fly and my job is to show him the way with how I choose to live my life. My love for him runs in his veins and his in mine- who can take that away? So, though I think of him constantly, I am at peace where he is concerned.
I love this place- the mountains, the rivulet, the clouds, the sun, the shade, the light, the rain, the grass, the blue skies, the mules, the goats, the strays. I wake up to the sound of the khadd and I go to sleep listening to it. I look at the sunsets with wonder every day and wonder at my continued wonder. I dream about being one with the Earth and about adding value to people's lives by sharing this beauty with them. I have discovered that dreams, hope and wonder are lovely ingredients for a happy life- necessary and sufficient at once.
Regarding Singapore, I do want to go visit, mainly to see Atreya and revisit our favorite haunts with him. I also am making a list of things I need to buy from there to make life (mainly cooking) a bit more comfortable, but really that's all. I don't miss it any other way. Aloka misses it and talks a lot about it. She wants to go to Resorts World Sentosa and also eat peking duck at Imperial Treasure. She misses the fancy life we lead, but for me, it's something I did to make life bearable. I remember it fondly but I don't miss it.
So there- this is how I feel two months down the line. If I were to die now, like I almost did last year, I will die happy.
All that running around to earn a hefty salary to maintain an expensive lifestyle- all that seems so distant and pointless. All that being someone to the world and trying to find meaning in the work I was doing seems so meaningless. I spend my time looking after the people I love. I cook. I chant. I go for walks. I take lots of (average) pictures. I write. I dance. I meet people I do not understand. I am not important to the outside world. I have nothing to prove. I don't earn anything. And surprisingly, I feel alright about that.
I miss Atreya, my dearest friend, my son, a chunk of my heart, but the guilt I was carrying around for the last few months has vanished. I can't hold on to him any more than I can hold on to time, so I have stopped berating myself for coming away from him. I am here where I need to be, he is there where he needs to be. He needs to take wings and fly and my job is to show him the way with how I choose to live my life. My love for him runs in his veins and his in mine- who can take that away? So, though I think of him constantly, I am at peace where he is concerned.
I love this place- the mountains, the rivulet, the clouds, the sun, the shade, the light, the rain, the grass, the blue skies, the mules, the goats, the strays. I wake up to the sound of the khadd and I go to sleep listening to it. I look at the sunsets with wonder every day and wonder at my continued wonder. I dream about being one with the Earth and about adding value to people's lives by sharing this beauty with them. I have discovered that dreams, hope and wonder are lovely ingredients for a happy life- necessary and sufficient at once.
Regarding Singapore, I do want to go visit, mainly to see Atreya and revisit our favorite haunts with him. I also am making a list of things I need to buy from there to make life (mainly cooking) a bit more comfortable, but really that's all. I don't miss it any other way. Aloka misses it and talks a lot about it. She wants to go to Resorts World Sentosa and also eat peking duck at Imperial Treasure. She misses the fancy life we lead, but for me, it's something I did to make life bearable. I remember it fondly but I don't miss it.
So there- this is how I feel two months down the line. If I were to die now, like I almost did last year, I will die happy.
My adoration for you was not just coz I was am employee in an organisation where you were CEO, but for your determination, taking tough decisions, maintaining excellence in whatever you are involved in and here again i read from your blog about a surprising but a bold decision. I believe your quest for excellence will continue always. Admire your values. Be happy.
ReplyDeleteAsish, appreciate your comment. I was a boss to many, but it is your goodness that you think so kindly of me.
DeleteVery well articulated. You should seriously consider penning a book.
ReplyDeleteLovely. All of us are trying to find what we really need in life but only few make the sacrifices required - giving up a certain way of life, a (fat?) salary cheque, "perks" of the big city (smog, traffic, crime???), a house in some fancy locality. For a long time now I have been thinking on these lines - is this what I want? My children spending the entire day in a day care. I coming home after doing what? Making another manual that no one will read?
ReplyDeletePrerna, the fact that you have these thoughts means you will find a way to do what is most important to you. And your answer may be totally different from mine. I struggled with this feeling for years. In fact I remember in 2003 telling my then boss that in 2005 I will quit and move back. 2005 to 2013 is a long time, isn't it? :)
DeleteThe contentment you felt with what you had achieved and where you were at in life came through very clearly when we met 2 odd years back, Puja. It comes across as clearly now too. That's the real achievement! :))) People can run after hefty salaries, buy several houses, fancy cars, and jewelry all their lives and yet not be at peace or ever find security within. Life's definitely more beautiful and peaceful if we spend more time in the "I have all I need" zone over the "I must strive for all I want" zone. And, there's no saying one can't return to that madness for another stint at some point. We all have that power. :)))
ReplyDeleteRashi, that's right on so many fronts. This is really living in "I have all I need" zone. And one of the things I told myself when I was struggling with the decision was that nothing is permanent. I handled the madness for years and am not daunted by it. :)
DeletePuja I enjoy reading all your posts and sometimes I learn something from them.....so please keep posting....x
ReplyDeleteThanks Renu. Glad that this connects us across thousands of miles.
DeletePuja, you write so crisp and beautiful. i enjoy reading your fb posts as well as blog. Such an inspiration.... Please consider writing a book..
ReplyDeleteThanks Kirti. A book needs a lot more growth, a lot more depth- I am not there as yet. Though it was my childhood dream to write a book.
Deletewow! there are so many who don't achieve this "state of being " in their entire lifetime. You are so fortunate, Puja. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I look forward to reading your blogs. As a mother of 2 boys myself and a very emotional and intense person at that, I relate to a lot of your writing and experiences. Lately, I have thought of us back then in D185 a lot and glad that we are in touch even today! I wish you a fulfilling life always.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sonal. Glad you relate to what I write. That's the best compliment one can get.
DeleteHats off for you to take on such a big decision....
ReplyDeleteI have thought of quitting it all and do something new like get into the finances etc yet I am doing what I like best. Teaching. Yeah, it is true the education system is a mess and no one really wants to study but if I make a difference in the life of one girl, it matters to me.
Maybe someday I will take on writing poetry and reading/reviewing books full time but as of now I happy doing both. Come to think of it, my work hours are kinda okay and I get plenty of time to pursue what I wish, at that given point of time.
Many a times we have to find contentment. It does not come on its own....