I have lost a few weeks in being totally flippant and mindless. I flitted around like a butterfly avoiding all reality even when I know how heavy the load I carry inside me can become. I knew what I was doing was pointless, but I did it anyway and very arrogantly. I know how precious each day of life is but I wasted so many knowingly. I know how transient physical beauty and the joy it gives are, yet I trapped myself in its trappings. I know that the journey is long and arduous and not yet half done, yet I allowed myself to be intoxicated. I am capable of feeling so many emotions, but I chose to be obsessed with just one. I had no compassion for everyone, except for the poor neglected unloved me- sob sob.
I have no clue why I did it. Well, that's not entirely correct...
Perhaps, lack of attention and importance has something to do with it. Perhaps, I just can't deal with being a nobody. Maybe, not being recognized and appreciated is too hard a sacrifice for my ego. Maybe, I want proof that I am special. Maybe, living a simple life is too scary. Maybe, being a better person than who I am is too daunting and too much bloody hard work. Maybe I am too shallow. Maybe, I am lonely and have forgotten how to deal with it gracefully. Maybe, lack of stress, as I used to know it, threw me off balance completely. Maybe, though no excuse, my hormones are dancing to their requiem.
Whatever it is, I am glad it is over. The unraveling began this morning with a prayer, and I was undone completely before the day was over. I will surely miss the lightness of mindlessness, but at least I am alive to deeper thought. There is hope for me still.
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