Saturday, November 9, 2013

What Makes Magic?

Every day I wake up and prowl the Internet for stuff to read. I check Facebook and a couple of my favorite blogs, and meander in the by-lanes they send me to, picking and choosing what to read. Some days, I am overwhelmed by feelings I just can't put a finger on. Those days I read a lot of poetry, hungering for one that will articulate what I can't. On other days, when I am not feeling too good about things, I long for quick entertainment. Then I look for celebrity trivia and other nonsense. Sometimes I feel like being surprised and awed and fired up. Then I read science stuff. Sometimes, I read up on current issues that my friends seem to be fired about.

I read everything I start to its very end, however bored I may be, because as a novice writer myself, I know that sometimes gems are hidden in the depths. But gems are rare. Mostly, I come out untouched, unscathed, even by a well-written and well-thought through piece.

But sometimes, to my utter delight, it's different. I come out a little wide-eyed, or with a flutter in my heart. Some poems, some articles have the power to do that to me. Lately, I have been wondering why that happens. What makes magic?

So this is what I have figured. First, of course, content matters. It has to be about something that appeals to me, stuff I am interested in. And second, of course again, it has to be well written. Language mastery is essential. But the one thing that is common in all such powerful writings that move me is honesty. Above all. Not cleverness. But honesty.

Being honest in writing is a hard thing to describe. Honesty doesn't mean secrets bared. Even the most factual unemotional articles and poems can be honest. Honesty in writing, IMO, is about being faithful to the intent of what you are writing. And it's a tricky thing because for a piece to be honest, every word, every sentence, has to be honest. A singular intent throughout.

When I am writing, I constantly check for signs of dishonesty, because it creeps in if you are not careful. When writing, I am swayed by many things- how will people reading what I write react to it, what will they think of me, do I sound cool, does it make me look smart etc. I am also distracted by some phrases- I just want to use them because I like them or because they sound cool. These and others like these make what I write dishonest. I make a lot of effort to weed out this stuff after I am done writing, using the microscope of intent. And almost always, it makes me feel better about what I have written.

Here's to reading more honest stuff, stuff that sets my heart aflutter and makes my eyes go wide. Here's also to writing more honest stuff, setting somebody else's heart aflutter. Here's to making magic. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Everyone but her!

In the morning, I wake up to the muted clitter clatter from the kitchen. I know mommy is making my breakfast and school lunch. Often I can guess what she is making by the smells that come wafting into the bedroom. Sometimes, I hear her singing one of her many favorite boring "village" songs. Sometimes, she whistles. I keep lying in bed thinking nice thoughts. Whenever I hear her footsteps, I close my eyes and pretend I am sleeping. Sometimes she thinks I am really sleeping, but sometimes she knows I am pretending and makes me laugh by saying something funny. I always give her a hard time getting out of bed. She starts nicely but when I refuse to get up, she gets tough and uses her threatening voice. There is no need actually, because everybody knows I will get out of bed soon. In the bathroom, I take a long time and then make a mess brushing my teeth. I leave toothpaste all over the sink and splashes of water on the floor. When she sees it, she glares at me and tells me tooth fairy will be angry. That's not true. Everyone knows tooth fairy only cares for clean teeth, not clean bathrooms. Then she changes me into my uniform. I make a lot of fuss and complain about this and that and everything. She threatens to send me to school without clothes. Everyone knows she won't do that ever. Next comes the hair, which is the worst thing because it really hurts. She says she is doing her best to be gentle but everyone knows she can do a better job. Every time I cry out, she asks the same question "Who asked you to grow your hair, you or I?" No need to ask that question when everyone knows the answer. When I keep squirming and crying, she threatens to cut my hair. I become quiet because from where we sit in the dining room, I can see the pair of yellow scissors hanging in the kitchen. I eat my breakfast quickly because I like the stuff she makes. She always wants to know how it tastes. No need to ask because everyone knows she is a great cooker. The last thing I have to do before leaving the house is wear my shoes, but I keep waiting until I hear her say she will send me to school without my shoes. Everyone knows that's not going to happen either. In the car, she tries to make conversation, but I keep looking out. Sometimes I smile at her but I never answer her questions. Everyone knows I don't like to answer questions in the morning. When we get to the school, she holds my hand and takes me to the bag aunty. I hear her say "Bye darling, have fun" but I don't respond. Everyone knows there is no fun when I am away from my mommy. Everyone but her. 

Saturday, November 2, 2013

WTF is wrong with me?

I have a problem. Every time I need help from someone, I cringe. I imagine all sorts of things the other person might think of me, such as I am selfish, or dependent, or weak, or I am using them and so on. In the process of imagining all this, I actually become that selfish dependent weak person. Now, I don't like being that kind of person, so as far as possible, I don't ask anyone for help. If I must seek help, I am so apologetic that the other person has to counter it with their it's-no-big-deal responses, making the whole situation very awkward. And after someone has helped me, I just can't let go of this feeling of immense obligation that is not good in any healthy relationship. And this is true for everyone- strangers, colleagues, my good friends, even my close family. And it has been like this for as long as I can remember, right back to when I was a young child.

Yesterday, I mentioned this issue to a very good, older, wiser friend, but instead of sympathy or understanding, I got a massive dose of scolding. She told me that I was totally messed up, had a shitty attitude and was most selfish and patronizing. Her point was that I wanted for myself all the joy that one derives from helping others, and didn't want to give anyone a chance to receive that joy from me.

It was a shocker. It is indeed true that I love taking care of people. Nothing gives me more happiness than that. And I never feel that the people receiving from me owe me anything in return. If indeed I am denying people the same kind of happiness out of some misplaced sense of guilt, I would be foolish at best and downright mean at worst.

But is it really true? How come I understand intellectually what this friend said, but can't believe it deep down? Why do I doubt that some people may like to do something for me just as I like to do for them? What is it that doesn't allow me to accept simple acts of kindness or friendship gracefully and as my right? Why can't I believe I am deserving of such acts? What drives me to be so darn independent that I never ever have to ask for any help from anyone? What am I protecting? What do I fear deep down? How lowly do I think of myself?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Keep Your Mouth Closed Gift Horse!

I turned 48 yesterday. By doing that, I outlived myself by eight years

I was 16 when I first understood that my illness could rob me of happiness for the rest of my life. Until then, it was something I dealt with bravely every time I encountered it, without giving it any more importance than a short-term obstacle. It is hard to articulate how sad I felt the moment I realized its true power over my life. And what brought this realization was not the disease itself, but the medication I had to take to survive it. Those were not the days of Google, but being the daughter of doctor teachers, I had enough reading resources to figure out that the steroids I had been put on will soon rob me of my looks and youth I took for granted (as they surely did).

But that was not all. Somewhere around then, I got fixated on the idea that I would live to be at most 40. I don’t recall where it came from and why it seemed so plausible, but 40 was the magic number. So here I was, a 16-year old girl, sure she would die at 40. Not hard to understand why this young girl would hang on to every bit of joy she could gather, however socially unacceptable its source.

Then one day 40 arrived, and I was very much alive. That girl was wrong, but then again…

I first began to breathe freely at 40. It's a fact that I haven’t had a life threatening asthmatic attack since I turned 40. And because I could breathe freely, I started considering my body my ally for the first time and began to care for it. At 40, I started dancing for the first time and teaching others to dance. It was at 40 that I made a huge leap in my career (accidentally). I also decided to be a mother again at 40. It was indeed a magical age, almost as if at 40, I transformed into another person.

So here I am, eight years past that given 40. Now I take every day as a gift, and like any smart person, I never look this gift horse in its mouth. I take what comes my way with gratitude. I cry a lot, I laugh a lot. I am a good girl when it makes sense to me, and I am very bad when I feel like. I thumb my nose at silly rules. I flow with the flow without caring where it takes me. I don’t question why I feel instant connection with some people- I accept them into my life with wonder. I wake up with excitement every morning for another lovely pointless day. I do not know the answers to so many questions, and that’s OK for me. I am done being a seeker- let the effing answers seek my questions for a change. I love taking care of others but I am no saint. I am selfish, irresponsible, prodigal and full of myself. 

But I am alive, and Goddammit, I am 48! 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Problem is...

Problem is...
I know everything.

I know why I run
And why it's not a good idea in the long run.

I know why I want to see my world in soft focus
And how that does nothing to blunt its sharp edges.

I know why I break rules all the time
And how it will break someone's heart one day.

I know why I ask too much of good things
And how that is not such a good thing.

I know why I want to be different
And how that makes me just the same as everyone else.

I know why I dream of prowling lions
And the secrets my mind wants to tell me timidly.

I know why I feel lost sometimes
And how losing myself in others is not going to help me find myself.

I know what scares the shit out of me
And how laughing in the face of terror doesn't make me any less a coward.

I know I know I know it all...
And that's the biggest problem of them all!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Touched, Untouched

What is this thing they call love?
This magical ever-lasting selfless condition?
I am untouched by it...
A love virgin
An old maid.

But when I look into your eyes
The madness
The softening.
And when I sink into your arms
The madness
The beauty.
And when I lose myself
The madness
The ecstasy.

What is this thing we have between us?
This magical fleeting selfish obsession?
I am deeply touched by it
I own and and am fully owned...
Your young bride!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

To My Second Rainbow

This post is for the quirky little girl who turns six today!

Everyone knows I am a foodie. I love to cook and eat good food. But what is lesser known is how much of a foodie this little girl is. When I come back from trips abroad, her only questions are about what I ate there, especially during the flights. She must be the only person in the world to be so fascinated by airline food!

Her dreams are often about food too. Once she she was very tired and went off to sleep before dinner and the first question she asked when she woke up at 3am was what we had for dinner! I am often seen scurrying about in the kitchen early in the morning because the little Missy has pre-ordered a special breakfast or school lunch the previous night. In the afternoons, she raids the fridge non-stop. I have come down from my bedroom many times to see all types of food stuff wiped clean by the hungry hog, the most notably shocking among them being a whole bottle of pitted olives!

Frustrated by the mess she makes inside and outside the fridge, we recently started locking the fridge and hiding the key. One day, when none of the adults could find the key, she found it for us. You see, finding the fridge unlocked, she was the one who had locked it and "hidden" the key!

Her food choices don't stop to surprise me. Once I made trout and green beans, and she ate up all the green beans and didn't touch the fish, which she was so fond of in Singapore! Once, she sat with RS in Singapore and ate up half of his sarson ka saag (pre-cooked microwaved stuff) and now keeps asking me to make the green stuff RS has. Her latest craze is Himachali karhee. One afternoon, she ate up a huge bowl of karhee that we had kept for dinner by filling her katori over and over again. During this recent trip to Kullu, she had karhee for almost every meal!

Aloka has the sharpest sense of smell I have ever known anyone to have. She smells everything. If I buy her a new dress, she smells it first before looking at it. If I cook something, she smells it first before eating it. Before reading a book, she smells it. Every soap is evaluated by its smell. She has a nice collection of soaps because that's what she likes to buy at stores. Freshly ironed clothes are smelled with pleasure, freshly washed clothes are deeply inhaled. I am not allowed to throw empty packets of detergents because she likes to smell them again and again. With her eyes closed, she can tell which shampoo I am using on her hair because she recognizes the smell. When she gets in a car, she comments on the smell. When she gets in a building, she tells me what the smell reminds her of. She knows when I am wearing a different perfume than my usual. It is hard to hide anything from her thanks to that darn sense of smell.

Her love-hate relationship with her nani has changed into more-love less-hate one in the last few months in India. She spends most of her time in her nani's room, watching TV, playing with her iPad, doing her homework and even sleeping at night. She can recite tables of 1-5 thanks to her nani who used the good old fashioned way of rote learning to teach her what I could not using my newfangled ways. I often hear them laugh like mad over some silly joke that nani has cracked or hear them talking excitedly about a game they play together on mom's iPad. Aloka has figured that as long as she follows most of nani's rules (no eating on the bed, no jumping on the bed, reduced volume of her iPad etc), she can have a lot of fun with her most fun-loving grandma!

But Asha, our house-help, isn't so lucky. She bears the brunt of Aloka's naughtiness in action and words. Now that she can speak Hindi fluently, she practices all her naughty sentences on Asha (e.g. Tu gandi hai Asha Aunty, Mommy dekho Asha Aunty ne mujhay pagal kaha, isko daanto yeh mujhay marti hai etc).

Aloka is fascinated by most young ladies, but mostly by her cousin sister Nishu. She follows her around when she is with her, and when away, talks all the time about her. Nishu is her role model- she wants to dress like her, talk like her, and be like her when she grows up. In any group, Aloka gravitates towards girls of Nishu's age more than she does kids her own age. And her aversion to men is legendary.

In another post about Aloka, I had written that she doesn't walk, she skips. That's still true, but now there is another addition to her list of favorite actions. She can twirl non-stop for as long as 30 minutes without getting dizzy. It's another matter that her grandma gets dizzy just seeing her rotating like a planet gone out of control!

Ever since I remember, I always wanted to be mother to a daughter, a child I could dress and feed and teach and have fun with and mostly, see her enjoy a childhood I missed. Aloka made my dream come true, and how! She is everything I dreamed of and more, a perfect quirky addition to my quirky family. She is truly the second rainbow in my crazy sky!


Related post: http://accidentalceostrategicmom.blogspot.in/2012/03/enchanted.html