Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Are you listening?

Every time I grapple with questions about my life, my future and what will make me truly happy, there is a voice at the back of my head constantly telling me that I should not be asking these questions at this age, that I should know the answers by now. I want to tell that horrible voice that I DON'T KNOW and would you please just SHUT UP!

I am one of those people who haven't ever known what is right for them and who have never lived by any plans for a so called 'good life'. This is as true of me at 46 as it was when I was 16.

I studied what I liked without wondering about what the kinds of jobs it will get me.  I was focused and driven but without any specific ambitions of becoming rich or successful. Those type of thoughts just didn't occur to me. Likewise, I never had any specific plans to have kids by such and such age because ideal families are a certain way. In fact, had I planned to have a child, I would never had one because by all accounts, I shouldn't have had a child- I was too ill. But when the madness struck, the Universe parted the mountain just about wide enough for me to walk through it. It gave me fertility and 35 weeks of reasonably good health to bear Atreya. My mission to have Aloka was similar- not carefully planned but driven by an unstoppable desire. In many ways, the same is true for the jobs I held after that. No plans, no career goals, no eye on any ladder- just a desire to create value. That value sustained me for years at a stretch and in turn, made the world I lived in a better place in certain albeit small ways.

There is place for people like me too in this Universe. People who flow with the flow and find themselves in places that seem made for them. People who don't know what is best for them, but the best finds them regardless. And when they are in between, they hurt and ache in all odd places and try hard to seek answers because it is not in them to compromise and calculate. And the last thing they need is someone telling them that they should know the answers by now.

Are you listening, voice?

1 comment:

  1. Very few people think and know why they went to school, why they studied, why they selected certain subjects. I never discussed. I was driven by my mother, and my mother was advised by her colleagues and I had something at the back of my mind to help my mother's friend Mrs. Baghchi who had a diabetic carbuncle.
    I just drifted along like an unguided missile. Eventually was selected for Medical college. My grandfather presented me a Parker pen,the most coveted gift and something I could never dream of in our circumstances.Another sentence of his had a great impact on me and was instrumental in shaping my future. He said " first impression is the last impression"
    But even in Medical college, I did not have a fixed goal as it kept changing with time and circumstances.
    I did reach the acme of my carreer by fluke and am happy where I reached ultimately.
    Today I wonder again what am I doing with my life. I am drifting as ever. I spend time solving Sudoku, playing letter linker, Painting landscapes totally to my satisfaction, watching soap serials on TV and enjoying them, doing Pranayam every morning, taking morning walks as a ritual.
    Many time the question arises in my mind"Why am I here in this world? What is the purpose and why do I keep living?"
    Then I forget all this and listen to the discourses of spiritual people on the TV.Which I am doing right now.
    So life goes on weaving its way and I realise I am not Nanak without any voice telling me what to do and how to reach God.