My balanced score card for 2014

After almost a year of living in the moment and doing what took my fancy, I have finally thought deeply about what really makes me happy and what I need to do in order to go even closer to that state. As a business leader, I always used the Balanced Score Card to define the goals of our business. Now, as a leader of my own life, it only makes sense that I use it to define my personal goals.

 

Personal happiness/growth/fun

• Invest in relationships with people who make me happy.
• Travel around the region, making at least one trip a month.
• Write at least one blog post a week.
• Learn to play tabla and practice drumming.
• Learn dance for March.
• Practice driving the car daily and venture out more by myself.

Family

• Help Aloka find friends and spend time with them.
• Spend 1-hour with Aloka doing activities.
• Be available for Atreya whenever he needs me and spend time with him (w/o becoming a nuisance to him).  
• Spend at least 1-hour with Mom without interruptions and take care of her.
• Build stronger ties with Anu and Arun.

Community Service

• Teach kids from Sonkhni da kot school regularly.
• Approach another school for similar programs.
• Provide free English lessons to locals.
• Get involved with Sambhavna and the library program.

Profession and financial

• Grow consulting business.
• Build my Rakkar house for b&b and training business.

Blissful in Mine

I do not know the meaning of life

I tried, believe me, for years

And then one day

When life slipped away

I gave up.

That, which can slip away so easily

Is not worth thinking too much about

It is worth only living

As long as it lasts. 

I think now of myself

As being just as significant

As an ant.

I don't take myself too seriously

Or aim to be a role model for anyone

What I say, what I do, or what I write

Is just about as significant

As an ant's toiling

An act of survival

Or perhaps a little less. 

My heart's desires

Its pain

Its suffering

Its fears

Its delight

Are no more than an ant's

And my body's slow dissolving 

Into nothingness

Nothing more than an ant

Your feet just crushed. 

I am telling you

No point talking about me 

With a twinkle in your eyes.

Or wasting that all-knowing look

Upon secrets about me you unearthed

Or shocking me with shocking tales of my many misdeeds.

I live like an ant does...

Unaware of your existence

And blissful in mine.

Note: Someone had me quite sore recently and this is my response to her.

The Real Me

I know I talk too much. I say whatever is in my mind without tempering it for whoever is listening. I don't think too much before I speak because I have thought a lot over the years and now what I have to say is a product of all that pre-thinking. Now whatever comes from my mouth is the real me. The real me.

I know I do crazy things. I do whatever I feel like without worrying about who's watching. I do not pretend because I have spent a lifetime pretending to be happy and being politically correct and I am done with that. Now whatever I do is a reflection of the real me. The real me.

I know I am not all that good. I make too many mistakes. But I have decided to let guilt and shame take a backseat in my life. They can complain as much as they like but when I am driving the car called life, I can choose to ignore them and let spontaneity be my navigator. Now where I go reflects the real me. The real me. 

As I talk, do and go, some people like who I am. Some hate me. I look at only those who like me, who think I am someone worth loving. The rest I pass by as I do the trees and mountains and rivers on my way. I stop where I feel happy. And wherever I stop reflects the real me. The real me.  

After hating this mouth, this body, this mind and these intentions for years, I have finally found the ability to love me. The real me. 

A Happy Speck!

Here, where we live,
for a brief five minutes or so,
mountains turn pink.

And a bright star, a planet perhaps,
winks at me and my little girl
for as long as we can bear to be outdoors in the cold.

And the moon lights up the sky
turning the valley silver
as we peep gleefully out of the window.

And the river flows noisily
All year round
like an impish happy young girl.

And the sun becomes friendly for a few hours
burning fiercely until it heartlessly cools down
like a lover who's lost interest.

And the clouds paint wild pictures
in bold strokes
welcoming and bidding goodbye to glorious days.

Here, where we live,
mountains rule the world
and I am reduced to a speck of dust.

A happy speck.

This World and That!

In this world, rules run amok

Don't smoke, and hey don't fuck...

In that world, no one gives a damn

Propriety, sobriety, all a sham.

In this world, act on a cue

You are what others see of you...

In that world, be stripped clean

Pretences don't mean a thing.

In this world, watch your stuff

Save this, hoard that, it's never enough...

In that world, there are no doors

What is mine, darling, is as much yours.

In this world, I fit a role

Have a past, gotta have a goal...

In that world, time's gone astray

You die and live today.

Sometimes I look good here

Oftentimes its a hit and miss...

I was designed to live in that world

I just happen to live in this!

Getting Off the Merry-Go-Round

When you first get off the merry-go-round after being on it for as long as I had been, it takes a fair bit of time to find your footing. At first your head spins and your feet stumble. People mistake you for a drunk because of that stagger- and that dumb smile pasted permanently on your face doesn't help either. You stop too long to smell the roses. You climb too many cliffs recklessly. You sing and dance unexpectedly. Not used to getting anywhere except around the same point, you lose your way often. Not used to having a goal except self service, you wander too much in the by-lanes, searching for a more meaningful goal.

But one day, your feet steady up, your head clears and your heart understands that happiness need not be chased. It will walk with you if you walk strong. It will follow you if you become the leader of your life. It will grow with you as you savor every instance of beauty that life has to offer. And it will stay with you even as you discover, sometimes painfully, the reason why you exist.

Can't Stop Looking

I see these mountains everyday
This snow
These meadows
This happy river
These clouds
This blue blue sky
This road
These goats
These bare temples
This kull
These quiet villages
And your eyes...
But it's as if I am seeing them for the very first time.
And I just can't stop looking.

Everyday, my heart is as empty as when it all began.
Everyday, my heart is as full as it can ever get.