Yesterday, Atreya asked me what I see myself as nowadays. When I didn't understand his question, he explained that last year he knew me as this professional, hardworking, single mother taking care of her kids. What do I see myself as now, a year on?
Not an easy question to answer. I have changed my lifestyle so drastically that some things that were an integral part of my identity have just vanished, and some others that I never associated with myself are now dominating my life. That's what he noticed and thus the question.
Atreya and I have a habit of concentrated focused conversations that don't permit postponing responses, so I did the easy thing- I compared the keywords he had used for the old me with the new me. I said I am still hardworking (I never oversleep, I am on my feet all day), still good at what I do (teaching, cooking, writing, having fun), and I still look after my family, even though the things I am doing and the people involved may have changed.
All that I said may have been true, but the fact is that beyond these basic similarities, I have totally changed the way I live and feel. Instead of getting up and getting ready to go to work every day, I get up and get ready to let the day take me where it pleases. Instead of spending the day talking to and working with self-important self-absorbed people, I spend the day being with simple people who don't take anything about themselves seriously, and who would be considered inconsequential by most. Instead of looking for tiny scraps of happiness in a day full of stress, I sometimes remind myself to look up from the sea of happiness and consider bringing some discipline into my life. And instead of struggling to find meaning in life, I dare life to find meaning in me.
So, darling, to answer your question truthfully, I see myself as a person who is not just a mother or a breadwinner, but a beautiful and interesting woman too. I see myself as a person who is great at everything she does, including not doing anything. I see myself as a person who is kind to people and makes them happy. I see myself as someone who deserves to be loved for who she is, and not just respected for the battles she has fought and won. But mostly, I see myself as a happy person who deserves to be happy and reckless and young and wild because she never had a fucking chance to be all this earlier.
And it must be showing, because Atreya said he has never seen me so happy and young ever in his entire life. Now that's a compliment if there's any!
Not an easy question to answer. I have changed my lifestyle so drastically that some things that were an integral part of my identity have just vanished, and some others that I never associated with myself are now dominating my life. That's what he noticed and thus the question.
Atreya and I have a habit of concentrated focused conversations that don't permit postponing responses, so I did the easy thing- I compared the keywords he had used for the old me with the new me. I said I am still hardworking (I never oversleep, I am on my feet all day), still good at what I do (teaching, cooking, writing, having fun), and I still look after my family, even though the things I am doing and the people involved may have changed.
All that I said may have been true, but the fact is that beyond these basic similarities, I have totally changed the way I live and feel. Instead of getting up and getting ready to go to work every day, I get up and get ready to let the day take me where it pleases. Instead of spending the day talking to and working with self-important self-absorbed people, I spend the day being with simple people who don't take anything about themselves seriously, and who would be considered inconsequential by most. Instead of looking for tiny scraps of happiness in a day full of stress, I sometimes remind myself to look up from the sea of happiness and consider bringing some discipline into my life. And instead of struggling to find meaning in life, I dare life to find meaning in me.
So, darling, to answer your question truthfully, I see myself as a person who is not just a mother or a breadwinner, but a beautiful and interesting woman too. I see myself as a person who is great at everything she does, including not doing anything. I see myself as a person who is kind to people and makes them happy. I see myself as someone who deserves to be loved for who she is, and not just respected for the battles she has fought and won. But mostly, I see myself as a happy person who deserves to be happy and reckless and young and wild because she never had a fucking chance to be all this earlier.
And it must be showing, because Atreya said he has never seen me so happy and young ever in his entire life. Now that's a compliment if there's any!
I really love the relationship you have with atreya and aloka. I hope to have the same with agni as she grows up. I had never imagined having a kid could be so much fun- Aoyon (on FB).
ReplyDeleteAoyon I am sure you will have a very special relationship with Agni. Your love and pride in her is obvious to all and so it will be to her too. Atreya and I went through severe adversity together and that has its rewards- we had no one but each other for years. But as I am seeing with Aloka, it is love and attention and respect for the kids that makes all the difference
DeleteLovely thoughts about yourself. You are amazing and wonderful and generous and warm and loving and smart and beautiful. Glad you are seeing yourself as others do.
ReplyDeleteMinnie (on FB)
Very well expressed, Puja. You have managed to completely change your life and are actually enjoying it doing new things. Not easy to do so congrats to you on achieving that. You have always been an amazing person capable of achieving tasks that others won't even dare to take on. Just tell me how you stop the panic from setting in when you have had too much fun and happiness.
ReplyDeleteKiran (on FB)
Lovely. Not only is it wonderful that you are as happy as you are, it's a blessing that you have a gift to express yourself so beautifully and share and inspire many people. Nanhi (on FB)
ReplyDeleteSo happy and proud to know someone who's sorted herself out, and now shines as a star of inspiration for everyone around her!- Roli (on FB)
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful piece Puja! So glad that the choices you made are taking you in such a positive direction. Enjoy! Meera (on FB)
ReplyDeletehow can you do this every time I read what you write - make me admire you more? Glad you have achieved something I hope to achieve some day too! Sonal (on FB)
ReplyDeleteInspiring, heart warming! Rachita (on FB)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful you and the beauty you and integrity you have created and passed on. Yes you do look much younger than the younger pic hat you posted. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteGurmeet (on FB)
Inspiring you are. May the force be with you.
ReplyDeletePayal (on FB)
Very inspiring. You do look young, happy and healthy. I wonder what magic the mountains and the people there are doing to you.
ReplyDeleteKunzang (on FB)
We never had any interaction ever, you didn't even know who I was when you accepted my invite. All these years I remembered you and ultimately found you on fb. Doesn't that mean anything. I always knew YOU were something else, inside and out...
ReplyDeleteAradhana Chaturvedi
Awesome....U are beautiful, interesting (u always were to me) and such a huge inspiration to all of us out there.
ReplyDeletePreeti Sial (on FB)
Folks, thank you all for such nice thoughts. As part of the change I have promised to myself, I accept all your comments with humility without letting the voice in my head say "they are all wrong"!
ReplyDeleteI will be copying and pasting these on my blog as comments because here they will be lost.
Hello Puja
ReplyDeleteVery recently, I chanced upon your blog and I am so glad I did! Everything right from your personal life struggles, move to India (after leaving outside India for more than a decade I quit my corporate job and moved back), beautiful relationships with your son and daughter (gives me hope that as a single woman I can adopt soon!) to your mother being your strongest and humorous anchor (miss mine as she died when I was a little girl) has been so beautifully written that it almost feels like I have been there to witness it and hope to have such relationships with my own family. I was going through some insecurity of my decisions of quitting my job, moving to India and trying to switch to a new industry but your blogs gave me the just needed boost to my dying self-confidence. So thank you very much and by blogging your thoughts you are helping many strangers like me who Google random questions in search of right answers :)
Dear whoever you are. Thanks for the lovely message. You are a brave woman to have made the decision to return and swim against the tide. It is not easy, I know. But I also know that self doubt is the worst enemy, and the best friend. Use it to propel yourself. I have never been happier in my life but it was the hardest thing for a very long time, especially when I was making the decision. I wish you the very best.
DeleteI am a new reader and I thank the Gods for having brought me to your blog. I admire your strength and I hope someday I too will find the strength in me to carve a new and happier existence.
ReplyDeleteshoma
Shoma, I have thought a lot about it. It takes a lot of things to make the decision I made. My decision was a culmination of my life experiences, my family structure, my financial situation, and my restless spirit. I just would not accept unhappiness as a way of life and was willing to take on some more unhappiness if it meant I could overcome it. However, anyone looking at me right now is bound to say "What is she going on and on about unhappiness and strength and what not. She is having the best time and what's so difficult about it"!!!
DeleteHow inspiring! And effortlessly at that! Cheers Puja!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, heart warming and inspiring! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDelete