To my kids

Here are a few things I want to say to the two of you, my kids, that I don't normally find the time or occasion to. I think it's important to say these at various times in life, and today, a day before I go in for a surgery, is one such time.

Lest you discover it one day and think you were first one to do so, let me say it up front- I am not your typical all sacrificing goody-goody mother. If judged from that lens, I come out looking pretty bad. I don't sacrifice my self-time or pleasures for either of you. I don't constantly think of my role as a parent and how I should behave with and in front of you. I spend less time with you than I could, mostly because I am distracted and interested in doing some other things. And lastly (saving the worst for the last), I am irritable when tired and unkinder than necessary.  

Having said all this, I think I am a "good" person and having me around you does you good. Yes, I am good influence, despite all the bad things I sometimes do. Of all the things that that I am and am not, here are a few things I wish and hope you are influenced by because these are recipes for a happy life. When you are lost or confused and I am not around, these might help you remember who I was and who you can be too.

1. I like doing random unusual things, like marching around the colony with a flag on Republic day, and driving off to Saloti Mata to see snow on an impulse. Such craziness makes me and everyone around me happy. So be crazy and listen to your heart like your mom does. 
2. I feel happy just looking at the mountains and the river and birds and horses and goats and cows. I wish you too find happiness in simple things and appreciate the beauty of nature. We are of the earth, and being with it and loving it is being truly yourself. 
3. I like people. I trust everyone by default and to a fault, and continue to be like that despite having been let down a few times by people I loved. I wish the two of you also have an open trusting heart. You will find true lasting friendships and love by just being this way. 
4. I am a busy bee. I don't have a lazy bone in me. It's a great trait to have because it expands time and allows you to experience more in life, and believe me there so much to experience and never enough time. 
5. I am very strong, physically and mentally. I can take shit and carry on. I have way too much pride to quit on life. I wish you are proud too and carry on when things don't work the way you want them to. 
6. If I choose to do something, I complete it. I don't quit halfway. Sometimes, this causes great suffering, like when trapped in completing a project that is just not right for me, but mostly it's a great trait to have because it helps me ride the rough patches that are part and parcel of everything good. I wish both of you become stubborn and ox-like just like me. 
7. I am very good at what I do. I remember seeing a movie as a child in which a woman was called to solve a serious marine problem because she was a well known marine scientist. I determined at that age to be that kind of person, that specialist, that expert, who would be "the one" to be called upon to solve critical problems in her area of expertise. Though I am no marine scientist, I think I have achieved that goal in my field of choice. I wish both of you find things you can be experts in.
8. I work very hard. I push myself to do things well. This helped me reach great heights in my career. I wish you too will derive pride from your work and work hard to attain what you want. 
9. I am open minded. I don't follow rules blindly. I question dogma. Every time you see yourself judging people who are different from you, remember your mother was different from many. There is nothing wrong in being different. 
10. When faced with conflicts, I try hard to be kinder and bigger than what my instincts tell me. I hope you too grow up into people who don't have to win every battle at any cost. Believe me, having peace and harmony is a way bigger reward than some silly battle won. 
11. I understand and articulate my feelings fairly well. I wish the two of you also develop this life skill as you grow because it's the only way to form and nurture relationships. 
12. I love to cook and write. Having passion for these played a huge role in my transition last year and continue to be my saviors daily. I wish and hope you two find your own ways to be creative. It makes you a better and happier person. 

About my love for the two of you, I think Aloka needs to hear this more than you Atreya because she is so young. Aloka, you are the best gift I ever received from the universe. It's only when I became your mom that I became whole. Through you, I forgive and heal myself daily. Never for a minute doubt if your mommy really loved you or if she loved someone more. I love you the most, my darling!

You are both young and need me in your lives. But if anything were to happen, just know that it was the right time, and that your life was meant to have this turn. No one seeks sorrow, but when it comes, the only way is to accept it and find your way though the fog of your sorrow. Life is beautiful. It has as many joys as it has pain. One just has to be patient and have trust in the fairness inherent in the universe. I wish you both patience and trust and love. And I wish that both of you will give back to the world much more than what it gives you.

You are the cause of my happiness, and I hope that you find your happiness as you spread your wings and fly.