Friday, November 25, 2011


Thinking of cooking something yummy for my kids tomorrow. Does it mean I am getting my mojo back?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Not being greedy

If I give up all expectations of how my life should be, of how I should be spending my time, and of how I should be feeling, then its ok. The people I love are safe and healthy, the kids I am responsible for are in front of my eyes, and I am able to smile with them and be their parent.

I don't ask for more. Not yet.

As I lay in my Atreya

Oh how wonderful life is,
Yet I see it only for its frailties.

Oh how eternal time is,
Yet I think only of death.

Oh the goodness of the common man,
Yet I remain a cynic.

Ah the multitude of Gods,
Yet I see only one.

(Atreya wrote this as a reflection of my life state, after we had talked extensively over a few of my lowest days.)

Monday, November 21, 2011

This Karthik!

When challenged to go around the world in the shortest possible time, Karthik diligently went around the world, across oceans and mountains and deserts, facing cold and hunger and deprivation. Ganesh, his brother, walked in a circle around his parents and claimed he had circled the world because they were his world. He won.

This Karthik here so wishes she had been as smart as Ganesh. I am tired and still such a long way from home.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Role Reversal

About 15 years ago, I had a conversation that aroused my curiousity and made a great impact on me. I was talking to an English woman who was visiting NIIT in relation to a project. She was sharing how her mother had recently fallen ill and this had caused a complete role reversal in her relationship with her mother. From a situation where she would depend on her mother for many things, including physical and emotional care, she was now having to provide that back to her. She was sharing that this role reversal was very difficult for her because suddenly she felt she had no one to go to for her troubles.

Upon hearing her speak, I remember thinking that I was far far off from such a role reversal. My dependence on my parents, for emotional and physical support, was only increasing each year. Later, I would now and again stop and check if the role reversal had finally happened for me. Honestly speaking, it didn't and even today I depend more on my mom than she on me.

But yesterday, a role reversal happened. Not between me and my mother as for that woman, but between Atreya, my son, and me.

While talking to him about my day, suddenly I stopped talking and started listening to him. He was talking about the Middle Way and how it worked for him in resolving his crisis. And he related his experience to my situation and explained how I could apply it help myself. For over an hour, I heard him and understood him and believed him.

Yesterday, my son stopped being someone looking towards me for all answers. Yesterday, I stopped being someone who had to have answers for all her children's questions.

This role reversal is liberating and exhilarating!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

This Mother Hen

If there is any lesson
From this passage through fire
It is this- simple and crude;

This Mother Hen
Will do anything
To take care of her brood.

So what the heck
Cluck cluck!

Note: Lack of rhyme in the last part is deliberate, in order to be polite on this family friendly blog. Please replace heck with the appropriate word mentally.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Why I Wrote What I Wrote

In the last few days, I have been tempted many times to pull down my previous post (Universe I beseech you). It is a sad post. When I first wrote it, I didn't think anyone would even notice I wrote it, but Atta did and his comment generated more interest (I think).

I don't know what people reading it are thinking, but I hope it's not pity. I didn't write it to generate pity or to even seek understanding. I write because writing makes me happy. When I am feeling happy, writing makes me happier, and when I am sad, like I have been in the last few weeks, writing about it makes it a wee bit bearable by concretizing what seems infinitely unbearable.

The other reason I wrote it and kept it was because I have always wanted my blog to be an  honest account about myself. The only time I have stopped myself from expressing myself honestly is when my emotions of anger and disrespect could have hurt vulnerable people. So, that pained post in a way was necessary to share because it is an integral part of my story and this blog's.

Everyone sees me as a strong woman. And why not? I have faced tough challenges in life and come out a winner. But that doesn't mean I haven't suffered or continue to suffer every now and then. That doesn't mean that having once gotten over a crisis, I live a charmed life now. In fact. I believe I suffer more than usual because I enjoy life more than usual. The higher the mountain, the steeper the fall.

Right now I am there, at the bottom, thoroughly bruised by the fall. I will continue to write as I pick myself up and climb all the way back up, or even higher. Perhaps this journey will generate hope and positivity. That would be my redemption for writing that last post.