Friday, January 16, 2015

You have a Secret Life

Something you said today made me realize-
that you have a secret life.
A secret I am not part of
And never will be,
A secret that gives you pleasure
that I can never taste,
A secret that takes you to a place
I can never accompany you to.

Something slipped from your tongue by mistake
And slithered between us
Like a green venomous snake
That since then sits there
Hissing at my thoughts of you and me...and our love
Forcing me to accept
that we are two separate lives
Even though I want to believe otherwise.

I would hold you, darling, in a tight embrace
And tell you we need no secrets from each other
And no one else but each other to be happy...
But it would be a lie.
And not just because of that thing sitting between us
But because it struck me a while ago...
That I too have a secret life you are not part of
That I too walk a secret garden that is cautiously barred to you.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

I am doing OK!

Aloka falls asleep within 10 seconds of her head touching the pillow. And she sleeps through the night without turning once, unaware of what's going in the room. My late night phone calls, my noisy games on the tab, my getting in and out of bed to charge my laptop- none of that disturbs her.

Why is it then, I wonder, that she negotiates every night where to sleep, and who to sleep with? Why is it then that she promises her grandmother, while bidding her goodnight grandiously, that she will sleep in her room tomorrow (a tomorrow that never happens)? Why is it then, that she waits up for me with sleep-drunk eyes those extra 10 minutes past her bedtime, as I close up for the night, locking doors and feeding Ana?

By wanting to be in my bed, senseless to the world, my little girl honors this sometimes-absent, often-preoccupied mother. By snuggling in my bed and holding my hand for those precious 10 seconds before she falls asleep, my little girl makes me feel like I am doing OK being her mother.

Who needs any other validation? I am doing OK.