Monday, April 14, 2014

Role Reversal!

Last year, I dismantled my family. I justified it in many ways (and in many posts), but the fact remains that I single-handedly broke up the family unit I had created with so much love, scattering it into three pieces. I pontificated a lot about my adjustment issues, but it was not I who had to make the most adjustments while things were being changed out of my control. I rationalized that letting go is part of life, but that's easy to say because I was not the one who had everything taken away from me at once by somebody else's decision. It was Atreya!

And he handled it stoically, without once making me feel it was unfair or harsh to him. It took me almost a year to figure that out all by myself. 

So, when it was time to decide what he would do in the five months he had free, I used every trick I had up my sleeve to convince him to come here and stay with us. It was my chance to make amends by giving him back his family and sense of belonging, so that he would feel there was a place he knew and could always return to confidently because it was home. My tricks served me well. He has lived with us for four months, and such four months! 

In the little time that he has spent in our small village, Atreya has done many things he had never done before in the super-city he grew up in. He has made friends from all over the world, hosted many parties, mixed strange cocktails, honed his photography skills, learned to drive a scooter and a car, cooked for himself and his colleagues, taken care of his sister's schoolwork, and set new records of coffee consumption! 

He has also got his hands dirty (pun intended) doing grassroots environment work, cleaning up the village he now calls home. He has talked to villagers about the need to segregate and store waste for him to collect, set up processes to streamline collection and segregation, collected and segregated waste himself from hundreds of households, dealt with government bodies for recycling waste, motivated other youngsters by giving lectures in schools and colleges, and impressed everyone, including me, with his excellent work ethics and passion.

When Atreya was a young child, he was known by me. He was Puja's son. 

Today, roles are reversed. I am known by him. I am Atreya's mom. 

And I couldn't be prouder! 

Happy 21st birthday Atreya! 



Thursday, April 10, 2014

Again and Again- by Maria Rilke

Again and again, however we know the landscape of love
and the little churchyard there, with its sorrowing names,
and the frighteningly silent abyss into which the others
fall: again and again the two of us walk out together
under the ancient trees, lie down again and again
among the flowers, face to face with the sky.

Rainer Maria Rilke - See more at: http://www.3quarksdaily.com/#sthash.p5hL8HlW.dpuf

I love this short sweet poem, which talks to me about me, about the madness of love and its utter futility, which, at my age, I know all about. I have been to those churchyards, and seen those sorrowing names on gravestones, including my own. I have wandered in those frighteningly silent abysses for years at a stretch, my heart empty. Yet, once again, we walk hand and hand under the ancient trees, lie down again and again among the flowers, face to face with the blue sky! My heart is filled with wonder at the magic that has made a garden of the graveyard...once again! 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

This is what is wrong with me, but I had rather be wrong than right (pun unintended)!

Something must be wrong with me because I just don't like people who sit back efficiently when other people are being killed, who do not feel like apologizing or expressing regret for mass murders done under their very efficient noses, and who feel just a tad bad when puppies are crushed under their cars. 

Something must be wrong with me that I can't get over this little obstacle, that my skin crawls when I think of it, that I can't see beyond these little things to appreciate lofty promises of development and efficiency. 

Something must be wrong with me because I don't understand why these wrongs are not considered a big deal just because some other people had got away with committing similar horrors 30 years ago. 

Gosh what a wimp I am- soft and silly and stupid and fuzzy-headed. Something is seriously wrong with me, but you know what, that's OK.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Love Zombies

Everyone wants to be loved in that primal unwavering unshakable adoring way, something we seem to know about deep inside. There is certain knowledge of it in everyone, a memory, even if there is no experience of it. 

We ourselves may never love anyone that way, because it requires evidence of greatness and nobility among other things, which are really hard to find. But we expect our greatness and nobility to be discovered and appreciated and adored.

No wonder everyone walks around half dead with exhaustion and despair in relationships.

Friday, March 28, 2014

The Phone Call!

Written on December 29, 2013:

Phone call I received yesterday went something like this. 

Caller: Hello madam. Mujhay pehchana?
Me: Yes Raj. Kaise ho? (Raj being a worker at the church I had contacted to confirm the timing of the service on Christmas)
Raj: Hanji mein Raj. Actually meine pee rakhi hai.
Me: Acchha? Koi na.
Raj: Actually mera birthday hai aaj. Isi liye meine pee rakhi hai.
Me: Happy birthday Raj.
Raj: Thank you madam. Same to you.

Speechless.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Fast Track!

Here is a conversation I had this morning with Aloka, my six-year old. Brought back memories of my own childhood, except that I went through similar scrutiny and evaluation of my mother when I was much older, closer to 12.

Aloka: Mom, do you want to fast on some days?
Me: Fast? No, I love food.
Aloka: But do you want to try?
Me: Why?
Aloka: Then you will become thin.
Me: Oh, do you think I am too fat?
Aloka: Yes. (Silence). But it suits you. It matches you.
Me: You mean you like my being fat?
Aloka: Yes. You are the most beautiful mother in the whole school.
Me: Really! Wow, what a nice thing to say!
Aloka: Hmm, but you must wear the clothes and jewelry I choose for you everyday.

She then went on to lay out the clothes and ear rings and bracelet and necklace that I must wear today when picking her up from school.

I tell you, I had rather fast a couple of times a week!

Thursday, March 13, 2014

To my kids

Here are a few things I want to say to the two of you, my kids, that I don't normally find the time or occasion to. I think it's important to say these at various times in life, and today, a day before I go in for a surgery, is one such time.

Lest you discover it one day and think you were first one to do so, let me say it up front- I am not your typical all sacrificing goody-goody mother. If judged from that lens, I come out looking pretty bad. I don't sacrifice my self-time or pleasures for either of you. I don't constantly think of my role as a parent and how I should behave with and in front of you. I spend less time with you than I could, mostly because I am distracted and interested in doing some other things. And lastly (saving the worst for the last), I am irritable when tired and unkinder than necessary.  

Having said all this, I think I am a "good" person and having me around you does you good. Yes, I am good influence, despite all the bad things I sometimes do. Of all the things that that I am and am not, here are a few things I wish and hope you are influenced by because these are recipes for a happy life. When you are lost or confused and I am not around, these might help you remember who I was and who you can be too.
  1. I like doing random unusual things, like marching around the colony with a flag on Republic day, and driving off to Saloti Mata to see snow on an impulse. Such craziness makes me and everyone around me happy. So be crazy and listen to your heart like your mom does. 
  2. I feel happy just looking at the mountains and the river and birds and horses and goats and cows. I wish you too find happiness in simple things and appreciate the beauty of nature. We are of the earth, and being with it and loving it is being truly yourself. 
  3. I like people. I trust everyone by default and to a fault, and continue to be like that despite having been let down a few times by people I loved. I wish the two of you also have an open trusting heart. You will find true lasting friendships and love by just being this way. 
  4. I am a busy bee. I don't have a lazy bone in me. It's a great trait to have because it expands time and allows you to experience more in life, and believe me there so much to experience and never enough time. 
  5. I am very strong, physically and mentally. I can take shit and carry on. I have way too much pride to quit on life. I wish you are proud too and carry on when things don't work the way you want them to. 
  6. If I choose to do something, I complete it. I don't quit halfway. Sometimes, this causes great suffering, like when trapped in completing a project that is just not right for me, but mostly it's a great trait to have because it helps me ride the rough patches that are part and parcel of everything good. I wish both of you become stubborn and ox-like just like me. 
  7. I am very good at what I do. I remember seeing a movie as a child in which a woman was called to solve a serious marine problem because she was a well known marine scientist. I determined at that age to be that kind of person, that specialist, that expert, who would be "the one" to be called upon to solve critical problems in her area of expertise. Though I am no marine scientist, I think I have achieved that goal in my field of choice. I wish both of you find things you can be experts in.
  8. I work very hard. I push myself to do things well. This helped me reach great heights in my career. I wish you too will derive pride from your work and work hard to attain what you want. 
  9. I am open minded. I don't follow rules blindly. I question dogma. Every time you see yourself judging people who are different from you, remember your mother was different from many. There is nothing wrong in being different. 
  10. When faced with conflicts, I try hard to be kinder and bigger than what my instincts tell me. I hope you too grow up into people who don't have to win every battle at any cost. Believe me, having peace and harmony is a way bigger reward than some silly battle won. 
  11. I understand and articulate my feelings fairly well. I wish the two of you also develop this life skill as you grow because it's the only way to form and nurture relationships. 
  12. I love to cook and write. Having passion for these played a huge role in my transition last year and continue to be my saviors daily. I wish and hope you two find your own ways to be creative. It makes you a better and happier person. 
About my love for the two of you, I think Aloka needs to hear this more than you Atreya because she is so young. Aloka, you are the best gift I ever received from the universe. It's only when I became your mom that I became whole. Through you, I forgive and heal myself daily. Never for a minute doubt if your mommy really loved you or if she loved someone more. I love you the most, my darling!

You are both young and need me in your lives. But if anything were to happen, just know that it was the right time, and that your life was meant to have this turn. No one seeks sorrow, but when it comes, the only way is to accept it and find your way though the fog of your sorrow. Life is beautiful. It has as many joys as it has pain. One just has to be patient and have trust in the fairness inherent in the universe. I wish you both patience and trust and love. And I wish that both of you will give back to the world much more than what it gives you.

You are the cause of my happiness, and I hope that you find your happiness as you spread your wings and fly.