I didn't notice the signs. They were there from as early as 2008, but I was ignorant. I took it as a behavioral quirk, a new habit that should be discouraged. Four years later, when there were more signs, I mistook them for humility and self doubt. And another couple of years later, I brushed them off as discomfort in strange settings. And a year later, when there was a breakdown, I blamed it on the failed love affair, something situational, not organic. And after that, I forgave every small rudeness and squirmish. I brushed them aside because we had so little time with each other and who wanted to sulk or fight.
In my defense, there were always things happening to offset any doubts I may harbor- best scores, best ratings, and applause from bosses, professors and friends. How could someone excelling in everything outwardly be struggling internally? So handsome, so accomplished, so comfortable in his skin as an adolescent- how could such a person have insecurities and social anxiety?
I just saw the duck moving smoothly across the water. I had no clue how much pedaling the duck was doing underwater to move just a foot forward. I am guilty of this ignorance. If I could do anything differently, it would be to get him support from someone knowledgeable, a professional, someone who would see it for what it really was.
Someone unlike me, who believed that all a child needs is love and attention, who believed that a father's loss can be overcome by a mother's love, who believed that everyone's mind is hardy and obstinate like hers, and who foolishly believed that she has seen enough pain in her life to understand pain of another.
Not true. Thus guilty. But not as charged.
