South African Frustration!

With regards to Aloka's visa to South Africa...

Embassy official: You have stated here that you are divorced.
Me: Yes
Embassy official: Do you have custody of the child?
Me: Err....I was divorced in 2000, and my daughter was born in 2007.
Embassy official: Yes, yes. But can you prove that you have custody?
Me: Why is that needed? She was born 7 years after I got divorced!
Embassy official: Huh! You have to prove that you have the right to take her out of the country. So please bring your divorce papers.
Me: I don't think you understand. I adopted my daughter while I was single. So what has my ex-husband got to do with it?
Embassy official: In that case, can you show me the adoption papers?

Arghh!!!

The Sanyasi and the Buddhist

It takes a special person to commit himself to the search for truth, set aside all worldly pleasures, and live a life of abstinence and meditation, surrounded by like minded evolved people. I know one such person, a sanyasi, and respect him tremendously.

But it takes a different type of person to commit her/him self to the search for truth, and continue to live in the real world, embracing all the pleasures and pains of an earthly existence- finding truth despite them and within them.

I read and think a lot about the principles of Buddhism. It is absolutely elevating and inspiring to think about how each one of us is a Buddha, how there is no God outside of us, how we have the power to change our karma, how the environment is a reflection of our own lives, and how there is abundance in the universe, waiting for us to tap into it. I often go into a trance, pondering over the beauty of this truth.

But I have a bigger task ahead, beyond the trance. As a Buddhist, I have to bring this view into my daily life, deal with issues like the effect of recession on the business, a hard-to-please customer, disgruntled employees, people who I have disappointed and people who disappoint me, my failures as a leader and my challenges as a mother.

Applying the Buddhist principles to these issues is way harder than contemplating upon them in meditation. Whereas the trance was magical, the application of these principles is scary. It requires courage to face up to my problems and to challenge each with conviction of one's own Buddhahood and faith. Each day I am faced with my weaknesses and doubts. Each day I have to counter negative defeatist thoughts and remind myself that I have the power to be whatever I desire to be regardless of who else is in my life. Each day I have to stop blaming others and take responsibility of my situation. Each day I have to stop myself from falling into my habitual escapism. Each day I have to reflect on my motives and correct them. Each day, I have to test the limits of my faith and commitment.

Who requires more courage, guts and faith- A sanyasi or a Buddhist?

No Regrets

At some stage in my life, I decided not to have any regrets. It meant not just not saying "I wish I had done that instead of this or I wish this is how it had been", but actually living it. It meant finding something of value in everything I have ever done in my life, including what others may consider "mistakes" or "problems". Here are some of them.

1. I don't regret being sick with asthma most of my life. Because I have been sick, I have empathy for others who are sick.
2. I don't regret that I married young. Because I married young, I had stability, which was much needed for a drifter like me.
3. I don't regret spending the best years of my life with a man who didn't value me. Because he didn't value me, I had the desire and drive to become worthy of other people's respect and love.
4. I don't regret leaving a cushy job for a shaky start up. Because I took that risk, I have learned many skills and had countless opportunities.
5. I don't regret going through the hell of divorce. Because I went through that hell, I discovered the beauty of Buddhism.
6. I don't regret being single for the last 10 years. Because I was single, I had the opportunity of becoming close to Atreya and having his companionship.
7. I don't regret being a child who always craved for more love and attention. Because I felt that way, I had the determination to bring Aloka into our lives and to envelop her with boundless love.

Password Revelations!

Since 2000, when I moved with Atreya to Singapore, all my passwords have the word Atreya included in them in some combination or another. It is representative of the central place he had/has in my life.

But I didn't expect any similar behavior in return from him because he is a teenager with lots happening in his life. So I was delighted when I found out that his cycle lock opens with 9823, which is part of my phone number. My phone number, not his own, not a girl's!

And the latest revelation really floored me. I wanted to use his laptop because I had left mine at office. The password to log in....Aloka!

Scissors Paper Stone!

Life's beauty

Sometimes I wonder why we love life when it is so full of of pain and loss. For many, it often doesn't balance in favor of joy. We lose our loved ones and nothing really is constant. What then makes it worth it? Then, just like that, in some moments, the answer becomes clear. Life’s beauty- in emotions, experiences, relationships and spiritual quest- is the one thing that makes all the pain that comes with it worthwhile. 

Here is one such moment, captured by my mother.

THE DAWN OF 7^TH OCTOBER

I was sitting out for my pranayam. The black sky was littered with stars of all sizes and brilliance. It seemed as though they were communicating with each other in their own secret lingo. Their twinkling appeared so organized as though they were orchestrating some concert. I was looking out for the moon which had yet to appear on stage. I calculated that it would be delayed by at least half an hour if not more. Because yesterday it was already out on the horizon at 4 45 am when I came out for my morning ritual. Yesterday it was a beautiful bright scythe with its concavity facing upwards.

It took me full 45 minutes to finish my pranayam and still the moon was conspicuous by its absence. As it was still quite dark I gazed at the sky above the outline of the mountains where I expected it to make its grand entrance. I thought I saw some bright spot just at the margin of the hill. But no it was a star rising up with a twinkle, laughing at me. I kept scanning the sky along the margin of the mountain and then I saw a hazy orb of brightness slowly emerging from behind the mountain. Strange that the orb was inverted than what I had seen yesterday. I was exclaiming at this phenomenon when this orb kept on creeping up becoming quite circular yet hazy. Surely it was the moon but why was it like this today when yesterday it was practically a thin slice. Then I saw a very bright light at the right lower edge and soon followed by a similar bright spot at the left edge... That explained the mystery. Now appeared the upward looking cusp of the bright moon which was even thinner than what it was yesterday. It was holding the hazy ball in its cup and ascending up in the sky in its full glory. The mountain glowed with an aura of bright haze all along its border. This aura would be there one minute and then vanish; again the aura would appear and then disappear. Then I kept waiting for that bright aura to appear again but instead I noticed a dark shadow all along the border of the mountain. But now it was within the border of the hill not around it in the sky.

Strange indeed. That is how God appeared for me this dawn of 7^th October. God appeared in the form of this spectacular moonrise which filled my heart with awe and wonder. My hands automatically folded in reverence and my head was bent in love and affection and worship.

Chandrama Anand

7^th October 2010

 Mouli, Dharamshala

How Aloka was named

March 30, 2008

We were driving in Spiti, mom, Atreya and I. With us was Kapil, our driver, and Mahinder, his friend.

Kapil had just narrated the story of his brother and wife who had recently been given (!) a baby girl by his mother-in-law. The baby belonged to another family (in an adjoining village) that had many daughters already and couldn’t handle another. Hearing this, I had said to him “Kapil, I have been wanting a baby girl for so long” and he had responded “Didi, why didn’t you tell me earlier? I promise you that you will have a baby girl very soon”.

However ridiculous the whole exchange sounded, I was elated. After years of being told by complicated people that I can’t adopt because I am too old or too single, here was a simple statement from a simple man and I believed him. I believed him.

We reached this lovely out of this world monastery in a town called Tabo. Mummy had wanted us to stay in Tabo but couldn’t arrange a hotel. So we had a couple of hours to spend here before driving off to another town for the night.

It was the most beautiful sunny day with the bluest skies possible only in the mountains.  The air was fresh and chilly. We were all acclimatized to the height by then and thus feeling fit.  The PM’s daughter had just arrived at the monastery, bringing with her an atmosphere of excitement. My ears were buzzing with what Kapil had said a while ago and my heart was in a funny place in my chest.

The monastery was a brown colored mud-washed low structure. It was more than a 1000 years old. No photography was allowed inside. We were shown rooms after rooms with low ceilings and complicated idols and images. The guide rattled off the facts and I wasn’t interested in what he was saying until we came to this room with paintings of goddesses all over the walls. There were 12 paintings I think. I asked him to name every goddess and he came to the 10^th (or so) painting and said “This is Aloka, Goddess of Light”.  

Atreya tells me that I turned to him at that point and making a serious determined face said to him “This is it. Aloka. She will be called Aloka.”

My sweetest mother accepted this, just as she has accepted every decision I have made in life. We began referring to my then unknown (and unborn) daughter as Aloka.  From then on, many SMSs were exchanged between mom and me referring to Aloka (e.g. “Mom I want Aloka.” “Puja I have talked to so and so about Aloka.”).  

That is how Aloka was named.

The Same Thing

Last night 
I hugged my son good night

As usual

But it was different.

We held on to each other for a long time

As if we would fall to pieces if we didn’t

And the concern, almost selfish, was not all selfish.

He worried about me

And I about him.

What a blissfully sad moment.

What makes me a good mother?

What makes him a good son?

The same things that made me the black sheep of the family?

The runaway

The reckless

What was that?

Whatever it was hasn’t changed much in years,

The nakedness of my heart, perhaps

The rawness of my soul, maybe

The same thing that drove one man away

Keeps his son next to me

The same thing that emasculated one man

Makes a man of his son

The same thing that destroyed a family

Keeps this one together