Untangling

If I could doubt myself, so cruelly, so starkly, why shouldn't others be allowed to doubt me? If  I could not be kind to myself, what right do I have to expect kindness from others? If I allowed all harsh words to stick to me like venomous thorns, why should others not be allowed to push them in. 

A part of me now looks at this episode as a clear case of mental illness destroying a family and relationships within. A part of me knows this as the truth. A part of me therefore has tremendous compassion for all those who are suffering, mostly my son, but also Aloka and myself. This part of me may be incredulous that these events happened in and to my family, and makes me feel helpless and incredibly sad. But other than that, it's a fact, that's all. A painful fact, one I wish wasn't, but a fact still. 

The other part of me hears the harsh words and dies within with shame. This shame makes me restless and shaky and indecisive. I listen to myself more carefully, sometimes holding back words because they could be misinterpreted. I scrutinize my actions for signs of narcissism and manipulation, words that I never earlier associated with myself. I am deeply ashamed and defensive and self hating. 

The only way to find peace is by shutting myself down, by becoming numb, by closing doors. But after a while, shame sneaks in from tiny cracks and mocks my failed attempts at self defence. Shame turns to anger and I play and replay imagined angry monologs in which I show him a mirror to his cruelty. It is soothing, this mock reclaiming of my dignity, but only so much. 

How can I believe he is not well and then think my shame and anger are justified? These two thoughts can't stand true simultaneously.  

I truly believe this is not the way to live my life. It is absolutely wrong. Life is a precious gift and it deserves value and respect and gratitude. I have spent the last 2.5 years in a fog and when out of it, in pain. I am committed to break this cycle. I am committed to be grateful for this precious life and to give it the value and respect it deserves. And this is possible only when I am committed to looking at everyone who is suffering with unshaking compassion, regardless of any demeaning actions or words. It is going to be a process I know, but I am committed to seeing it through without forgetting or losing direction.