Wednesday, December 5, 2012

It is Time!

This morning, I saw a mail from a colleague that plunged me into a dark mood. My whole body reacted. I could feel myself shrinking and a physical burning knot formed in my stomach. I recovered a bit after a few minutes, but even now, a good 30 minutes after reading it, I find myself feeling unhappy and thinking of ways to escape (e.g. TV, food, games).

But I won't do any of that. Instead, I plan to analyze what really happens to push me to this state. It is not just this incident. I can recall several incidents in my life that have pushed me into similar funks- memory and experience being advantages of being 47 I guess! Now let me see what is common among them?

Here is what I notice.

1. Suddenness or unexpectedness of the incident.
2. A highlight on a negative aspect of an action that was actually done with a lot of good intention (in other words, there was no callousness or malice involved, in fact quite the opposite)
3. A realization that my lack of knowledge/foresight was responsible for a problem
4. A realization that I don't know enough- that I continue to make mistakes- that I am not good enough
5. A realization that although I don't really care for the aspect being highlighted, others do, and my not caring about it makes me "bad" in their eyes

So there. It seems I don't want to make mistakes. I don't want to be the one who causes problems. I don't want to be anything but the best. I don't want to look bad. That is my problem!

OK, so what's the big deal, no one likes to be wrong. Yes true, but with me, it is a bit too serious, a bit too defining, a bit too unforgiving. And as I think deeply, it seems to have started in early childhood.

Time to get less serious about things Puja. Time to accept that some mistakes will be made. Time to give up on being a perfectionist. Time to forgive yourself. Time to let go. 

1 comment:

  1. Whenever i feel disturbed unnecessarily, I am unable to sleep. For hours I keep turning and tossing mulling over the cause of this restlessness. Believe me after some time and giving Reiki to self for calming down i do get an answer to solve the problem rankling on my mind. I solve it or take action and puff the feeling is gone and I feel repaired.
    Talking of this ,let me tell you about this seemingly trivial but very profound problem for me. My maid suddenly stopped coming. She had taken one days leave but then never showed her face for 8 days. I was fuming and seething but that could not solve my problem. No maid , no help and I could not find a replacement too.
    I had to swallow my pride after having lost my precious sleep. But finally the hindi proverb came to mind. Zaroorat mein Gadhey ko bhi baap banana parta hai. Next morning i approached the recalcitrant lady and literally had to beg her to come back.
    Such is the plight of scarcity of maids these days.
    So beware Puja . I actually did this keeping you in min, as and when you will be here.